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Top Secret 8
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Pils
Wrap
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1991-09-15
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Hi dudes!
Here is Warrior of the Wasteland of German Front. Did you ever read the
Badenkurier? The ultimate German satiric magazine. No?? Poor guy. In some
time you can read it on disk. (No, the German Front News 11 hasn`t been
released in August. You could read this rumour in the last issue of Top
Secret. It was really top secret, though we didn`t know that our diskmag had
been released. Sorry.) For those who can`t wait for this new genious work of
art, here is an excerpt according to the desire of the huge fan crowd of our
beer tests. OK. Now it`s time to leave for me, cause I dislike beer. Now
it`s time for the great Bruce `Agent` Wilson of CKS, the publisher of the
Badenkurier and experienced certificated Beer Tester. It`s your turn, Bruce.
Ehmm, so, for those about to drink and fuck! Hi you Autibianchis! Here is
Bruce `Agent` Wilson of CKS, the great Canadian kangaroo! We of CKS consider
it as our duty (due to our metallic livers) to show other beer-drinkers the
right path to the best beer. So we decided, without taking care of costs or
work, to determine the best beer in a gigantic test. We will test three types
of beer in every turn, till we got´em all, or till we are all fucked up.
The testing conditions:
Bruce Wilson and Chemical Deputy drink 6x0,33l each in a 60 min limit (that´s
one beer in 10 minutes, which is the performance of an CKS-proofed-drinker).
But first, the physical characteristics of each beer are tested, e.g. optical
beauty and smell. After 30min. the nut-echo is tested with some
reaction-tests. At this point we would like to thank our bad-breath-tester
Fisch who is still in coma.
The test of Alpirsbacher Klosterbräu was only done by Bruce Wilson, because
Chemical Deputy was still suffering from poisoning caused by Hansa Pils.
If someone is interested in empty bottles he can order them with order number
666035 at PLK 080 424 E, W-7500 Karlsruhe 1, Germany. As long as the stocks
are filled.
Here are the results:
³HANSA PILS
¹
Taste **
Appearance *************
Smell of beer *****
Quality **
Ability of frothing *************
Froth-duration *******
Digestibility stomach *
Belch-factor *************
Smell of piss ********
Smell of beer-fart *************
Pleasure of drinking **
Nut echo after 30 min *****
Nut echo after 60 min *********
Nut echo after 90 min **********
Morning-nut *************
Smash-factor *************
Bad breath ********
Price/result-proport. *************
State of test person dead
OVERALL MARK: ***
Never had such a horrortrip in my life before after having drunk beer. My
stomach got a total black out. Horrible. You get a huge nut and it`s tasting
like Wilson`s old socks.
Tester: Chemical Deputy of CKS
³ALPIRSBACHER PILSNER
¹
Taste ****
Appearance ******
Smell of beer ***
Quality ****
Ability of frothing ************
Froth-duration *****
Digestibility stomach **********
Belch-factor **
Smell of piss *************
Smell of beer-fart *************
Pleasure of drinking ***
Nut echo after 30 min *
Nut echo after 60 min **
Nut echo after 90 min ****
Morning-nut ******
Smash-factor ***
Bad breath *******
Price/result-proport. *****
State of test person still living
OVERALL MARK: ****
You can drink what you want but you won`t get blastered. The taste isn`t
very amazing. Better forget it.
Tester: Bruce `Agent` Wilson of CKS
³COCA COLA¹
Taste **************
Appearance *****
Smell of beer *
Quality *
Ability of frothing ************
Froth-duration *
Digestibility stomach **********
Belch-factor **
Smell of piss *
Smell of beer-fart *
Pleasure of drinking ***************
Nut echo after 30 min *
Nut echo after 60 min *
Nut echo after 90 min *
Morning-nut ****
Smash-factor *
Bad breath ***************
Price/result-proport. **
State of test person okay
OVERALL MARK: *
Never drunk such a strange beer before. Really strange. I guess it
wasn`t brewed according to the German Beer Cleaness Act. It doesn`t taste
bad but it`s completely unusuable as a premium beer.
Tester: ³Bruce Wilson + Chemical Deputy¹